I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
