so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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