does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
