Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
