So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
