I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
