i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
