why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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