Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
