i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
