Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
