how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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