I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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