dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize