why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
