I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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