Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
