I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
