No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
