Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't think brook has ever known best
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
