He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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