there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
