oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize