is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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