So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
