i think i have two assholes
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
