2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
did i walk over a car last night?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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