last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
