wake up i wanna do it froggy style
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
