sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
