I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
