Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
