I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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