after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize