Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
