I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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