im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
