Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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