when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
