someone threw a dead crab at me
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Text me some of your sweat
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
