i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize