I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
4 words: hood of his car
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
