Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
