Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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