my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
