My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
