a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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