bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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