Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
His nipple licking is glorious
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