we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
