could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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