8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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