my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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