Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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