My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
