You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
