some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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