we're blogging at a bar
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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