Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
