Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
