So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize