best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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