I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
