i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize