Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
