dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize