We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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