Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
