we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
