Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
